Flushing the Emotional Pipes
I’m a really good couples coach. Like, REALLY good.
Let me tell you some of my breathtaking techniques.
The first one, which I frequently employ, is when the female in the situation is in pain about some situation or other (my boss is a b!tch, my dog died, my best friend betrayed me, etc.).
The other guy and me listen for awhile, and then inevitably he will chime in with some solution or other (you should talk to your boss, we need a new dog, let’s get new friends, and so on). After he starts to give really good solutions, I start to support his suggestions.
“That’s great!,” I might say, and I’ll add some solutions of my own to the mix. We’ll start to riff off of one another’s ideas, and we really pick up steam.
Sometimes the woman feels left out, so I calmly explain, “we are fixing your life so just relax for a bit.”
If she is ungrateful and “isn’t having it,” I’ll switch to another tact.
I’ll explain either what she did wrong or what she is currently doing wrong. I use very specific examples so that she feels I truly understand her.
Sometimes, they also don’t like that approach (ungrateful), so I’ll try a third.
I’ll attempt to distract her from her pain with some well-timed jokes or by changing the subject completely. She might try to redirect the conversation back to her emotions, but if I persist I can get her out of her “my emotions matter” rut.
As the couple is leaving the session you can feel a palpable relief because we all know that I just solved their problems. It feels good to be helpful. Really good.
Were you uncomfortable reading my “techniques”? I genuinely hope so. If not, then you might want to sign up for a therapy session or two.
My point is when someone is feeling emotions we intuitively know not to “fix them, control them, blame them, shame them, avoid their emotions, etc.”
If we have a little emotional intelligence, we will sit with them and allow them to feel their emotions (FYI: this does not include their attacking us).
It doesn’t matter if their emotions are rational (they often aren’t). Their emotions matter because they matter.
A good friend/partner creates a space for another individual. With your presence, you are essentially saying, “I am here with you. I know you are in pain. I’m sorry. I’ll sit with you as long as you want because you matter to me.”
This posture allows the other person to feel safe. They will be able to feel connected and ultimately be able to experience and release their emotions.
But, that’s not how we generally treat ourselves when we have emotions. Most people don’t provide that same loving space to themselves when they are feeling their feels.
That’s a bummer, because it requires compassion in order to release our emotions. There are many gurus saying we should feel our emotions, or face our pain, or whatever. They’re on the right track, but without compassion it will be fruitless.
In fact, many of us can’t truly feel our emotions because we are reacting to them. We disconnect from our emotions when we react to them. They remain unprocessed and they get increasingly congested within us. And as you may or may not know, unprocessed emotions will create difficulties, pain, anxiety, confusion, relational discord, and many more negatives in our lives.
So, I thought I would identify the major ways most of us cut our emotions short.
There are three major techniques: Control, Blame or Shame, and Fix or Figure Out.
Technique No. 1: Control
Control can take many forms, but here are just a few things that people do to control their emotions.
Overperform
Compartmentalize
Control Others
Workaholism
Rage
Have Anxious Fixations (Frequent stress, OCD, eating disorders)
Addictions
Numbing Out Activities
Excess Physical Activity
Technique No. 2: Blame or Shame
This technique is exactly what it sounds like. We either blame someone else, or we shame ourselves (which is simply blaming ourselves). Here are examples:
I should statements
“It’s my fault”
“I’m broken”
They should (or should have). . .
“It’s their fault!”
If they just _________, I could _________
Technique No. 3: Fix or Figure Out
Rationalize
Overthink
Try to understand the why
Figure out a “how” out of the situation
Try to find a solution
“Work” on self
“Help” others
Overcompensate
These are not exhaustive lists for how we avoid or disconnect from our emotions, but it is a good start.
Everyone has “go to” responses we use to medicate our painful emotions, but that isn’t healthy in the long-term.
Instead, try to imagine being present with your emotions the way you would be present with your friend’s painful emotions.
Make space for them. Be okay with them. Don’t judge them. And simply allow yourself to feel them (without any other agenda).
When you do, you will realize that feeling our emotions allows us to release them. We will no longer be weighed down by our unprocessed or unfelt emotions, and we will be able to re-engage with life as our more fully expressed selves.
If you want to work on yourself perpetually (job security), you should definitely counsel like I do: solve, shame, and distract.
But if you want to “be happy” or “get better,” you should probably do the opposite.