Boundaries with Homeless People

I don’t judge homeless people. I mean, well, like, it’s hard to judge someone for being without a home. That would make you a colossal jerk.

Like I was saying, I don’t judge homeless people.

However. . . I don’t necessarily appreciate them all the time.

I can only hear the “my car ran out of gas and my family is sweltering in the heat and we’re trying to get back to Oregon, can you spare 10 bucks?” routine so many times before it get’s a wee bit annoying. You’d think they’d have made it back to Oregon by now.

Recently, I had a few issues with homeless people in my workplace. Technically, they were coming into our second-story hallway to use the bathroom. And I do mean USE the bathroom. They would spend an hour and a half in there. Who does that?

The first time was startling. Our bathrooms are located within an enclosed hallway. So, it’s pretty-dang private.

I, taking advantage of that privacy, wasn’t thinking I needed to close the bathroom door inside the enclosed hallway. Little did I know a homeless person was using the “closet” across from my bathroom.

She burst out, saw me (a lot of me), and I said, “I AM SO SORRY!”

She said, “Don’t be. That was great.” And sauntered off.

The next few times I started realizing she was using my electric razor. I keep it at the office in case I need to trim my whiskers.

I knew she was using my razor because it was “used.” I won’t tell you more details, because it would make your skin crawl.

So, I did what anyone would do: I bought another razor, hid it, and left the old razor out as a decoy.

It didn’t work.

She somehow ferreted out my new razor and proceeded to use my nice new one.

I was pissed. So after a few more times of kicking her out, I put a giant sign on the door saying, “WE WILL CALL THE POLICE. . .”

I thought no one would be so brazen as to continue using a private bathroom with such a stern notice.

So, I bought another razor and put it in the bathroom.

My nightmare became true when my friend texted me, “Please tell me that it is you using an electric razor in the bathroom.”

CRAP.

It was not me. It was another homeless person (apparently word had spread that new razors were available in our bathrooms). I kicked him out. And then I proceeded to kick myself for having bought another razor.

After they heavily and aggressively used my razor for a third time, I bought a numerical code lock for the bathroom door. I haven’t had a problem since. The code is 8888 if you ever visit us.

What is my point in telling you this story?

To educate you as to the resourcefulness of homeless people?

Nope, nope, that’s not it.

It’s to tell you that sometimes you have to protect what you value. It’s a deliciously clunky metaphor for personal boundaries.

Many people are awful at personal boundaries.

These same people may even “set standards” for relating with them or give their loved ones ultimatums. Essentially, they are saying, “Act like this or you don’t get to be around me.” Often the other person chooses not to be around them.

It isn’t that standards and ultimatums aren’t helpful, or potentially necessary, but they are the elementary version of boundaries. They are generally someone insecure trying to protect themselves. They are using drastic actions instead of introducing healthy patterns and lifestyles.

Healthy boundaries are all about self-value.

It’s simple, we protect what we value. If we value ourselves, we will easily create boundaries to protect ourselves from all sorts of abuses.

You wouldn’t hesitate to protect your child from an aggressive dog. When healthily aligned, we have that same level of self protection against our violators.

I could speak ad nauseam about this topic, but I think helpful tips may be the most enlightening.

Follow these steps to create healthy-ish boundaries:

No. 1: Treat other people as if they are healthy.

In relationships, especially with family or partners, we habituate to poor behavior, abuses, frequent harassment, etc. We may even make excuses for these people, “They can’t help themselves, they don’t mean it, they’re family, etc.”.

Our permissive view of them creates a lifestyle and a lifetime of pain.

Instead, treat them as if they were another person. If they were a random friend, how would you treat them and how would you let them treat you?

Would you let them run all over you, harass you, and hurt you?

Or would you confront those friends or potentially distance yourself?

By placing the relationship in a different context we can often get clarity on what we have been accepting.

The added benefit is that no one, and I mean no one, wants to be treated like they can’t control themselves. They don’t want to be given a “pass” because they’ve done it before or “don’t really mean to.” Basically, we are agreeing with their brokenness and weakness when we do that. And they, in return, resent us for believing with them that they are out of control.

No. 2: Learn to Value Yourself

Why would you take frequent harassment if you didn’t believe, on some level, that you deserved it?

Answer: you wouldn’t.

How do you treat a Ferrari?

How do you treat a junkyard car?

I would assume the treatment of these two cars would be night and day. Why? Because one has value and the other doesn’t.

We are the same. When we value ourselves, we treat ourselves better and we insist that others treat us well.

Would you leave your Ferrari in a poor part of town known for burglaries and vandalism? I doubt it.

Neither should you put yourself in environments that are violating to your inherent, and inestimable value.

No. 3: Get Angry

I see a pandemic of anger-less individuals in my office. They may have angst, they may be bitter, but they rarely know how to be healthily angry.

Anger, I explain, is an emotion and not an action. An emotion is a feeling that must be felt (like sadness), so it doesn’t necessitate exploding on someone.

Once we have felt our anger we will have objectivity to respond to situations proportionately and with clarity.

Anger, in this situation, is like the numerical lock on my office bathroom. It is my solution for not continually being violated.

Unfortunately, many people have experienced (or been modeled) unhealthy anger. Perhaps they had a mom who raged. Perhaps they had a dad that stuffed all his anger. In other words, we don’t have good examples for how to experience anger in a healthy manner.

That’s sad.

I wish I could just say, “BE ANGRY!”, but usually it isn’t that simple.

Instead, I’ll give you a tip. Remove your judgment of—or reaction to—your anger. Allow yourself to feel your anger without taking an action, defending yourself, talking to the other person, making an impulsive decision, blaming, shaming, rationalizing, or planning revenge. In other words, let yourself simply feel the anger cleanly and sharply.

After you allow your authentic anger to vent, you will often have more clarity about your situation and what a healthy response might be.

By practicing feeling your anger you will begin to recognize what it is telling you, and where you have allowed yourself to be compromised in the past.

You will also be providing a healthy border around your identity so you can build self-value.

Don’t be destructive, don’t be an a$$hole, but let yourself feel how you actually feel.

Summary:

You don’t have to have boundaries. You don’t have to value yourself. It’s completely and totally your choice.

However, if you don’t, just remember you are inviting into your life the equivalent of a homeless person objectifying you, violating your personal space, and repeatedly using your personal razors for body-scaping.