Do What You Want.

My dad likes gospel music.

No, not like that tricked out America’s Got Talent type gospel. I’m talking gospel-ly gospel. Like, old school gospel.

Specifically, he (and other family members) like the Gaither Vocal Band.

One of their claim-to-fames is a member who sings low bass. He sings REALLY low. I like this type of singing because I also sing low bass (just not that low).

Singing low bass is a bummer because almost all modern songs are written for tenors. Whenever I try to sing Bruno Mars I get greeted by a face similar to when you feed lemon to a toddler.

Regardless, my dad is a choral aficionado. He’s been a choral director for several groups, and reads choral conducting books for fun (LOL. It’s hard to take that sentence seriously).

He wanted to share his enthusiasm for vocal harmonies with family, so he decided to bring my 4 year old nephew to a show. To my nephew’s credit, he sat through the first half without a peep.

At intermission, they walked to the lobby and stretched their legs. When the lights started flashing—signifying the show was about to begin again—my dad started leading my nephew back to the auditorium. My nephew, with significant conviction, said, “I’m NOT going back down there where those singers are!”

I like that story. It reminds me that kids know what they want. And what they don’t want! It’s not always the same for us. Life takes its toll.

In my consulting practice, I do an exercise to clarify people’s wants. It is really simple. I draw three circles on the board (sort of like a target). The three circles are spaces to write a list of their wants.

The outside circle is for small wants (I want an expensive haircut, to see a waterfall, etc.).

The middle circle is for slightly bigger wants (I want a Toyota Tundra, I want to write a book, and so on).

The inside circle is for giant wants. These are the scary, almost-afraid-to-admit wants. For example, “I want to have an inspirational marriage, I want an international speaking business, etc.”

The sad thing about this exercise is how often people can’t come up with answers. They stare at the board, and know they should add some “wants,” but can’t bring themselves to own any.

Most of these individuals have been disappointed or hurt so many times that it is no longer safe to “want” things anymore. They’ve learned that it is safer to live without desires than to have desires but be disappointed.

If you are one of those people, or even if you are not, it is time to take your desires off the shelf. The negative aspects of our history should no longer dictate our level of connection with our desires. If it does, it is playing a disproportionate role in our current life.

Our pain from the past is just that. Pain. In the past. Sometimes we need to purge the pain by feeling it. Other times, we simply need to acknowledge we are responding to past pain and it is keeping us out of our sweet spot. A simple acceptance that we had pain is often enough to dispel its influence over us.

So what is it you want? What are the things, experiences, or relationships you want in your life? Are you afraid to ask for them? Or to clarify them?

If so, join the club. But don’t let that stop you. Acknowledge it might be scary to hope for a good romantic relationship, or a dream job, or a trip to Bora Bora; and then accept fear doesn’t have to stop you from hoping for those things. Accept it as part of the process.

The next step for “doing what you want” is to determine what you don’t want. Often, people are engaging in activities or mindsets they don’t really want. They do them because they’ve done them. Or because they don’t anticipate any better, or it feels like too much work to change.

I like to think of these substitutes as a bad girlfriend. I imagine I am dating this “thing,” and it is taking the place of something else.

For example, maybe I am overweight. If I imagine my overweight lifestyle as a girlfriend I can acknowledge she makes me feel bad about myself, eat when I don’t want to, and makes me slump over my bike seat like a melting ice cream cone. In other words, I don’t enjoy this “girlfriend.”

She is also occupying the space of my being athletic. Dating “being athletic” looks like more confidence, energy, and comfort with my health. She is the girlfriend I want to date.

So what are you dating you don’t want to date?

When you get clear on what you want, and don’t want, you can start to make intentional changes.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Don’t change everything at once. You will fall on your face.

Connecting with what you want and don’t want will give you clarity and motivation for making healthy changes. Staying in unhealthy cycles will start to feel intolerable and moving towards healthy cycles will start to feel natural.

Getting clear on what you want and don’t want will create harmony in your life; much like those singers my nephew will no longer subject himself to.